Category Archives: Sexuality

Gun Jumping

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I’ve been reviewing the situation, and I’m not positive that it’s the right time to get another cat. I’m not positive that it isn’t the right time, but it’s no longer a sure thing. I looked seriously at two kittens while I was in Buffalo, and while they were great…I don’t know. Being home without Lancaster wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but every night when I turned on my bedroom light for a second I would expect to see her on my bed. I’ve struggled to explain this clearly, but I can’t fully grasp that she’s actually dead. While I was interviewing a potential kitten I noted to my sister that you sort of just know when you find the right cat, but I still feel like the only cat for me is Lancaster, and since I can’t wrap my mind around her no longer existing, and she’s just elsewhere, there isn’t any potential for another cat to fill that gap. (To be clear, when I say that it feels like she’s “elsewhere” I don’t mean reincarnated, or with me in spirit, or any of the (maybe better adjusted) explanations that people assume. I mean that it feels like she is alive, but somewhere else and being kept from me, and it’s frustrating. People take note on the importance of closure.) At the same time though, I want a cat. So there’s that. I can’t do anything just yet anyway, so there’s time to think about it still, but while it’s likely that I’ll be adding to my menagerie, it isn’t guaranteed.

Rather than going through with my plan to live off of Nutella last night, I decided to get takeout, and walked down to Freshii. I had never been there, but it looked good, and I was not disappointed. I ordered a bowl of brown rice with chicken and lots of odds and ends (you can add as many toppings as you want, so I went to town and got broccoli, edamame, spinach, carrot, cucumber, green apple, and some other stuff), and while at first it seemed overpriced, (and maybe it was), the portions are large enough that I still have leftovers, even after having it for breakfast.

Nom.

I have high hopes for today- my friend and I are going to catch a hot yoga class, and then go to Trader Joe’s, and I’m hoping to be reunited with my hedgehog. I already started the day off right by baking a delicious loaf of thank-you bread for my pet-sitter, so my apartment smells great. I had planned on making the bread with caramelized onions, since I know he likes onions but rarely gets to eat them because his girlfriend hates them, but I decided to make it plain, and not rock any boats by giving him a loaf of bread that he couldn’t share with her, especially because she was the one to offer me his services in the first place. Plus (and this is important), since I didn’t make the no-onions decision until I had already caramelized some, I got to eat them myself, so everyone’s a winner.

If you have some spare time you should totally check out this video.

I know Dan Savage can be a huge jerk sometimes, but I like him anyway, and even more because he actually invited the guy into his home. And speaking of his home, how cute is it that they use jam jars as drinking glasses,? And the taxidermy bison head?  I know that’s 100% beside the point, but I did love getting to see his dining room. The conversation itself was good, and I appreciate how they were both able to be civil, but maybe because I’m so firmly planted on my pro-gay marriage side, I thought Brian Brown came off as an oily jerk. Dan Savage isn’t going to be the one to bring gay marriage to the masses, but it’s frustrating, and a little mystifying that people care so much about relationships that don’t involve them. Also, the argument that “Boohoo if gay marriage is allowed people who don’t like it will be branded as bigots” is pathetic. If you don’t want to be branded as a bigot, maybe you should stop being one. Sheesh.

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Baltimore Pride

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Today has been top-notch. Seriously, A+ Saturday.

Yesterday’s run got me jazzed, so I set my alarm to get up early and run again today, but when I woke up at 5:45 and assessed my tiredness: enthusiasm ratio it came down on the side of sleeping more, so that didn’t happen. Instead I woke up for real at 7:30, and did some ZWOW, which I know isn’t the same, but was good enough. After a quick shower I felt ready to take on the rest of the day, and set out for the market. It’s quite a weekend in Baltimore- it’s the bicentennial of the War of 1812, and there’s a big celebration in the harbor, with The Blue Angels, and it’s Gay Pride, but it was also apparently the Baltimore 10-Miler, because when I tried to cross 28th street I found my way blocked by several thousand runners. It was pretty impressive actually, but Baltimoreans do not know how to cope with road races, because traffic was in knots, and people were getting really angry. I waited for about twenty minutes and cheered for the runners, but as soon as a gap opened up I made a mad dash across the street, because I had stuff to do.

The market was pretty great today. It was a beautiful day, and there were children playing fiddles, and everything looked and smelled wonderful. I bought tomatoes, corn (the pound of kale for a dollar guy also sells six ears of corn for $3. He’s my new best friend), kale (of course), spinach, garlic, zucchini (I’m on a bit of a zucchini kick at the moment), and apples. I also bought a muffin, just because. They say you shouldn’t shop hungry, and while I usually don’t eat breakfast before hitting the market I went later in the day today and was starving. I asked for a blueberry one, but the woman gave me raisin, and I didn’t notice until I got home. It was still good though- raisins rock.

A muffin isn’t a very healthy breakfast, so after I finished it I also had a big plate of greens, tomatoes, and an egg.

This was actually pretty bad. I had a lot of CSA stuff leftover from last week, and I didn’t know what to do with it, or what it was, so I just tossed everything in a pan with some olive oil and hoped for the best. It’s usually a safe bet with random greens, but these were not tasty, and a lot of it was parsley, so it was bitter, and full of stems that I think should have been removed and thrown out.

After my flawed plate of greens I went upstairs and proceeded to study my little heart out until 2:00 when I went down to Pride. I had volunteered to help get signatures for Marriage Equality for Maryland, but they weren’t very well organized, and while I could find other would-be volunteers, none of us could find anyone in charge and so I gave up and just watched the parade. Pride is awesome. I found a nice shady spot, and had a great view (there were some annoying preppy twinks next to me who kept inching in front and grabbing everything that was thrown our way, but I didn’t mind too much. In all honesty, Pride is kind of more for them than it is for me). It was quite a parade. There were bands, and roller derby people, and Dykes on Bikes, and drag queens, and pit bull rescuers, and lots and lots of mardi gras beads and condoms being thrown into the crowd. It was a lovely day for a parade too, hot, but not too hot, and if I didn’t have so much work to do still it would have been the perfect day to wander around with an open container. Alas, it was not meant to be, but I still had a good time anyway. I wish the school year would hurry up and start so the Gertrude Stein Society would reactivate and I could meet the LGBTQ contingent of the medical, nursing, and school of public health.

(This isn’t a great picture, but I loved the guys in leather underpants with black wings. There were tons of them all over the place.)

While Pride was lovely, it ate up a lot of my day, and I had to turn down an invitation to join my cousin for dinner in favor of hitting the books. She lives right in D.C., so we’ll have plenty of opportunities this summer, but I hate passing on things. Instead, I came home and made a delightful dinner of veggies.

Roasted zucchini, sauteed spinach with garlic, sliced tomato, and corn on the cob. Granted, there wasn’t any protein, but it was delicious. I love corn on the cob. Sometimes I’ll just have corn for dinner, I love it that much. The spinach was actually kind of meh- I’m a kale girl, but I thought I’d mix it up a little. Zucchini is wonderful. Tomatoes, especially sprinkled with sea salt, are incredible. All around, it was a fitting dinner for a good day.

Now of course, I have more studying, but after a day like today I don’t even mind.

Rugby Weekend (Part Two)

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After I left the party I ambled up the hill to Main Street. I walked past my old church, and made my way over to Mamma Mia’s for some pizza. I didn’t eat out very often when I went to Geneseo, but they have delicious pizza, and individual slices are cheap and generously sized. I ordered a slice with broccoli and hot peppers, and while I was waiting a couple of women’s alums came in, and joined me. They were seniors my freshman year, and they’re both very mothering, and invited me to go to the bars with them, and offered to find me a place to sleep that night.

I don’t really get bars, at least not when they’re insanely crowded and loud, but I went with them and found my friends. I tried doing the bar thing, but I wasn’t feeling it, and I had left my stuff in a girl’s car at the bottom of the hill, so I left to go get it and to escape. It was cold outside, but it felt nice after the close alcohol-y smelling bar, and I was happy that I had found the girl who had my stuff in her car, because I had been thinking of it as gone forever. After I grabbed my stuff I went back to the rugby house. The party had moved inside, and conditions had gone from squalid to indecent. The men were playing Civil War in the kitchen, and there was a good inch of beer, water, and mud on the floor, and peanut butter and yogurt smeared on the walls. My old teammates were there though, and so I stuck around. The guys were extra rowdy, and they all decided to get naked and do jumping jacks, and push-ups (in the muck! It coated their hands!), so I was just about to leave when the cute napping undergrad guy showed up. He was all refreshed, thanks to his nap (and Four Loko), and he was being very cute, and even asked me to dance when an ABBA song came on. He wanted to go up to the bars, and I was game, but he wasn’t very motivated to actually leave the party. He wandered off, and while he was gone another guy came up to me. This guy looked a lot like Darren Criss, and he also wanted to go to the bars, but he was ready to go, and so I left with him. The other boy was nicer, and we had a better rapport, but there were too many naked men wallowing in their own filth for me to dilly dally around until Bachelor Number One got his act together, and I figured I could find him at the bar, but leaving with Bachelor Number Two meant not having to walk up the hill by myself, and at the time that was the priority.

Bachelor Number Two (or BNT) decided it would be better to catch a bus, and within seconds of waiting at the bus stop with this kid I realized he was a huge tool. You could hear in his voice that he smokes too much pot, and he had a very negative tone, and was just generally unpleasant. This put me in an awkward position, since I had already left with him, but I was just about to go back to the party and exchange him for BNO when one of the mothering alums from the pizza place pulled up and told me to get in the car, and then invited BNT in as well. It would have been too rude to leave him there, so I was stuck, and once we were in the car I realized she wasn’t taking us to the bar, she was taking us to the apartment where I was staying, so we kind of kidnapped the kid, and sent entirely the wrong message. Now, for the sake of honesty, I’ll admit that sometime between getting in the car and realizing that we weren’t going to the bar, I decided I was going to make out with BNT. I didn’t like him that much (or at all really), but it was Alumni Weekend, he was handsome, willing, and over 18, and it looked like things weren’t happening with BNO (what with the whole, leaving-with-another-guy-and-then-not-going-to-the-bar thing), so I made up my mind. Would I have made that choice if BNT hadn’t been practically delivered? It’s hard to say, but I doubt it. He really was unpleasant.

I felt like a terrible guest for bringing a strange guy back to this girl’s apartment, but she didn’t seem to mind, and BNT and I went into the guest room. I told him as soon as we sat down, before we even touched that there would only be necking, and I was almost let off the hook, because he actually thought about leaving once he understood he wouldn’t be getting any. A guaranteed make out is worth more than hypothetical sex though, and he decided to stay. As for the necking, it was…ok. He was a little humorless, and he didn’t want to chat at all, and I like a little conversation with my kissing. He was a warm body though, and while he was flummoxed as to why I wouldn’t sleep with him, he didn’t push the issue, so it wasn’t terrible. People need to be cuddled from time to time, and I was overdue.

The next morning I woke up early and washed up while he was still asleep. I was incredibly sore from the game, and I got really sunburned. I was kind of shocked when I saw my reflection, my lips were so burned they looked like something out of Rocky Horror. I did what I could though, and went back to the room. Now, undergrad Caroline would have felt pressured to lie back down, and be very still so as not to wake the boy (it wouldn’t have been about letting him sleep as much as not ending the situation before he decided it was over), but I’m grown up Caroline, so I sat at the desk and read the Times on my phone while he slept. Things were slightly awkward when he woke up, and I think we were both relieved when he left quickly. There wasn’t any nonsense about getting breakfast, or morning make outs, and I was glad to see the last of him, and I’m sure he felt the same way about me.

That was really the weekend, I left soon after that, slipping out while everyone else slept, leaving a thank you note on a sugar packet because I couldn’t find any paper. I caught a ride back to Buffalo with the same girl who had driven me out, and we had a nice ride, talking about our various shenanigans. I don’t think I’m going to go back. This felt a lot like closure. The last time I left was in the middle of winter, and I said my goodbyes, but I didn’t feel like things were resolved. I missed Geneseo when I first got to Smith, and I sort of clung to my Geneseo rugby experience, so that it was harder to connect with the team at Smith than it might have been (or not, I’m not saying they weren’t jerks). I’m really ready to let it go now though. I had a lot of fun, and I still really value my old friends, and coach, and teammates, but I don’t feel the need to do that ever again. That part of my life is really and truly over, and I can’t say I’m not glad. It was fun while it lasted, but now I’m on to the next thing, and that’s good.

Buzzing about bisexuality

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I love Pride Alliance. It’s like one of those sun lamps that people with Seasonal Affective Disorder use, except for queerness. Today’s Subject of the Day was “Who has it hardest in society, lesbians, gay men, or bisexuals (trans people were presumably left out because they clearly have it hardest of all. Or no one thought of it, because it isn’t a very trans-aware group, I don’t know), and I could have talked all day. I didn’t, I didn’t even say anything until the meeting was almost over because I felt too shy. I couldn’t stay totally silent though, because people were being so irritating. The club VP said that she’s bi, but she hates toys, and can’t deal with sex with men. Which is fine, because you can identify as whatever you want, but then she told someone else who identifies as a lesbian that no, she’s actually bisexual, and that any lesbians who enjoy toys or penetration are actually bi. Ahh! No! Not ok! I had to leap in and defend toys, and the right to define your own sexuality. I was careful to be respectful, because I’m new to the group, but it was fun to speak up, and give my perspective. I don’t actually identify as bisexual (I identify as queer), but I did for a little while, and it’s hard. People don’t trust you. Dan Savage has a great essay about it actually, and I agree with a lot of the points he makes. I’m kind of guilty of being skeptical of bisexual men, since I think it’s sometimes easier for men to admit to being bisexual than all out gay, because they get to hang on to some socially acceptable sexuality, and I do think that men are less sexually fluid than women, but I’m working to get over that. I’ve had a relationship with a guy who identifies as bisexual , and it gave me some pause, but I got over it because he was great. I hate how hard it is for bisexual people to convince potential partners that they can be trusted. I’ve been rejected by girls because I also like guys, and it sucks when liking everyone is perceived as not really liking anyone. One of the gay men in Pride Alliance said today that he would sleep with a bisexual man, but he wouldn’t be in a relationship with one because he wouldn’t like feeling like he was lacking something that his partner wanted. That kind of makes sense (I sometimes worry that if I find someone to spend my life with I’ll miss having sex with whatever gender they aren’t, and I know I was super excited to go back to men after being with a woman (it’s much more intuitive for me), only to then miss aspects of lesbian sex, but that’s part of committing to one person. I don’t think I’m any less capable of committing to someone because of my sexual fluidity, and yet I have to try to convince other people that I’m a safe bet.

I love this club. It isn’t what I’m used to, but I love it.

Pride Alliance

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I really miss Smith sometimes. It’s getting better, but over the summer I kept mistaking adolescent boys, and even just men in general for lesbians. There are various Pride organizations on campus, but the whole school is kind of one big Pride Alliance. Buff State is nice in its way, but it isn’t Smith, and I kind of missed the queer presence. I felt shy about going to club meetings though, because I’m old. I’m a grown up, and even though I was in college last year, now that I’m not it seems like a bigger gap than a few months. I sucked it up though, and went to my first meeting today. I was nervous at first, and honestly, a little disappointed (it was mostly gay guys and their hags, which I mean in a nice way…? It was a lot of straight girls who like hanging out with gay guys, and that’s what they’re called, but calling someone a hag is never nice). It was a really welcoming group of people though, and I’m going to go back. There were two girls who looked like Smithies, and even though they were off-limits undergraduate babies it was nice to soak up some gay. And one girl lingered when she shook my hand, so that was kind of neat. She was cute too, in a dreadlocked way, but I’m not really interested, and it was just a handshake. She did do that thing that I love, that has caused me to have crushes on people for years (she heard me speak when no one else did. I wish I was joking, but I’ve had crushes start that way. I need to talk louder), but she A) is not my type at all, and B) might be as young as 17. Which is the downside of hanging out with people you meet in an undergrad club. There are grad students in the Pride Alliance too though, so that’s exciting. There is definitely potential here.

Quick Rant

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Why aren’t there any cute queer girls on OkCupid? Also, why don’t any girls, cute or not, look at my profile? And why doesn’t anyone on this stupid site like to read? GAH!

I’m not looking to date anyone right now, and I’m kind of mixed up about what I want anyway, but still. The thing is, my last experience with a girl was so super awesome that I really want more, but I know the steps with men, and that’s helpful. Men don’t make me feel as scrutinized, like I have to prove myself, and justify my sexuality. That might be one of the reasons why no girls are messaging me- when I first put up my profile I got a couple of hits from girls who said they wanted to try a lesbian relationship, but had never kissed a girl before, and I know everyone has to start somewhere, but no thank you, I’m tired of straight girls hitting on me because I look straight, so it isn’t really gay, right? Sigh. I don’t want a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, I just want a friend, and none of the guys who are messaging me seem to want anything other than freaky bisexual girl sex, because I probably do all kinds of weird stuff in bed since I like girls. Maybe I’m being unfair, and they’re really nice people, but I’m lonely, and I don’t want to have to wade through all of this. The past two people I’ve kissed came out of nowhere, like bolts of sexiness from the blue, and that’s how it usually goes- finding someone when you aren’t looking. I miss that insane crush feeling though (I fall hard and fast and then I pine), and I’m trying to hold onto my most recent experiences to keep me warm for the time being, but pleasant as they were, they don’t work as well when my feelings for the people have changed. Maybe not gone away, but have been preserved in a less potent state, like dried flowers. I need someone my own age to talk to, and go to concerts with, and just be in the same city as me, because I have friends, I have delightful friends who I love, but they’re all so far away.