Today was probably my worst ever clinical day. Nothing went right, and I walked out of the hospital feeling utterly miserable, and absolutely hating Adult Health II. I didn’t do good work, and my patient didn’t trust me, and my instructor spent the whole day making me feel like a moron, so by 3:30 I was ready to pack it all in and go be a hobo. I just came off of a three-day weekend, but I’m already feeling burned out and grumpy. It doesn’t make sense, but I sort of thought that once I moved into my own place all of my troubles and frustrations would just melt away, and I would be happy all the time. Sadly, life doesn’t work that way, and so even though I have a swinging new pad I still have to deal with papers, and tests, and breakdowns in communication with instructors, but at least I get to go home to the consolation of a calm apartment.
I’m still getting over my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, but something that helped was making my first-ever batch of granola. It was supposed to be granola bars, but it didn’t hold together well enough, but it’s still very tasty. I’m baking to show my thanks to the friends who helped me move, and the granola is for my friend Sarah. She’s vegan, which complicated things a little, but the granola works. I used coconut oil instead of butter, and rolled oats instead of bacon, so it isn’t what it could be, but it’s very good despite the lack of animal products. Because it was my first time I really should’ve used a recipe, but I didn’t want to go to the grocery store or feel inadequate because I don’t keep fun granola ingredients around the house, so instead I improvised. I tossed some oats with some wheat germ (full of folate goodness!), and toasted it in the oven while I melted some crunchy peanut butter with maple syrup and coconut oil. Once everything was all toasty/melted I mixed everything together, spread it out in a baking dish, and put it in the oven for about half and hour. It was solid when I took it out, but trying to cut it into bars didn’t really work, so then I just crushed it into big granola clusters (and loose granola bits). I could have gotten a little more adventurous with the flavors, but I wanted to play it safe-ish. I think it’s quite tasty as is, and it made the apartment smell terrific, which is important- I made chicken stock the other day and then the whole place smelled grimly of soup, and my delicious stir fry lingered in the air in a very unappetizing way. These kinds of things are important because I don’t like using scented candles or incense, so I need to cook and bake things that will make my home smell pleasant.
Today was so awful in fact, that I actually considered not nursing around for a couple of years, and instead applying for Masters programs ahead of schedule. I’m currently lusting after UPenn’s Midwifery program (You get to go to homebirths for course credit! Hopkins kind of just pretends that all babies are born in hospitals and come out of the womb wearing patient ID bands), even though it is very very fancy, and I can barely hack it on my stupid GI floor and so won’t be getting any letters of recommendation from my instructor. I want to go to there though, and so I’ll see what I can see about applying (I can’t go this fall because applications are past due and they recommend you apply a year before you plan on starting, but maybe someday!). There are also great days, when I want to be a pediatric ED nurse (my instructor keeps talking about all the pull she has with local hospitals, so I have considered just staying in Maryland and doing that), but I know in my heart of hearts that I need to be a midwife. It will all be worth it then, so for now I need to grit my teeth and somehow get through the frustration and necessary evil of Adult Health.