I had the day off today, so I slept in, and ran some errands, and read (for class, but also for pleasure), and was feeling pretty good until about three hours ago when my sense of well-being fell in on itself and I lost a semester’s worth of spoons in twenty minutes. I don’t have a ride to my clinical this semester. I thought I did, and then I kept thinking something would turn up, but nothing did, and then I had clinical tomorrow morning and I had no idea how I was going to get there. In my defense (though it’s a pretty weak one), I knew where one of my classmates lives, and she’s north of me. The hospital is south. I figured she would drive south, and so while picking me up might be inconvenient, it wouldn’t be impossible, and good manners and the fact that by this afternoon I was offering to bake someone a weekly loaf of bread if they would give me a ride would nudge her into helping me. No luck. I wasn’t wrong-she does live north of me, but her parents live south, right by the hospital, so she’s staying with them every weekend.
At this point I was freaking out, so I contacted my professor and asked to switch groups. This was not met with a positive reaction. She was very displeased, and contacted the course coordinator who was similarly displeased, and now I’m off on the wrong foot with them both for being a moronic procrastinator. So that’s fun. All of my classmates who signed up for this hospital live nearby and so can’t drive me, and the people in my neighborhood who are going to the same hospital but for a different rotation meet at a later time, just to mess with carpooling. I didn’t know that when I registered. I looked at all the people going to what was being hailed as an awesome clinical site and because lots of them live near me I assumed someone would be good to carpool, and I signed up. Then I sent out emails and hoped for the best, but got the worst. I may not come off very well in this story, but I’m not willfully stupid, which is how people are acting. I thought I would be able to find a ride, I asked and asked, and nothing turned up.
My primary emotion right now is anger. Well, peevishness at least. I don’t appreciate people acting like I’m an idiot, and while it isn’t my classmates’ fault they can’t give me a ride, pointing out that I screwed up and shouldn’t have signed up for this site wasn’t even remotely helpful and felt like kicking someone when they’re down. What’s really bothering me though is that I found a ride for tomorrow morning (we’re meeting later than usual, so I can ride with someone from a different rotation), and now people are offering me stupid help that I don’t need or want. We’re meeting at my instructor’s house instead of at the hospital, but because my ride is dropping me at the hospital I was going to walk over. I’m getting to the hospital an hour early anyway, and she lives quite close, and I told her that I didn’t need a ride, but she sent out a mass text anyway, just in case someone didn’t hear that I can’t do anything right. She also used the word “fetch” in her message (as in “Can someone go fetch Caroline?), which I think just adds insult to injury. I was trying to regain some sense of competency by walking (it wouldn’t have done a lot of good, since I would just have to navigate a Maryland suburb with a GPS, but I’m feeling pretty pathetic at the moment), but even that is being taken away. We haven’t even started and I’m already the problem person.
I get into lots of scrapes, but once I’m in them I’m good at managing. I’ve figured out what I think is a reasonable plan (I’m not going to share it, because I have a feeling that people will think it’s stupid, but I’m going to do it anyway because I don’t have any other good plans), but the damage is done.