The trace

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I’m home, surrounded by my delightful family, but I’m still furious about my horrible roommates, and it’s bleeding into other areas of my life. Months ago my friend told me that this was the kind of thing that could change a person, and I do feel different (my mom told me that I seem different too, and that she was concerned that my roommates were a bad influence on me, which I found very offensive, and didn’t help me calm down at all, and in fact created a positive feedback loop of anger. (She wasn’t wrong, but it hurt my feelings)). I may need some counseling after all of this. Or while it’s going on, because I don’t have a lot of confidence that things will work out and I’ll be allowed to move, so I’ll be stuck where I am until May. I don’t want to be a furious person, but I can’t help feeling so angry that I could just scream and break things, and I’m not only angry at my roommates. I’m mostly angry with them, but I’m also mad at everyone in their lives who makes them feel like their behavior is ok, and I’m mad at Hopkins for accepting them in the first place, and letting them stay for almost two years without realizing that they’re terrible people who 100% should not be nurses, and I’m really furious with my family for suggesting that I just suck it up and not move because moving is a hassle. That’s the ire that’s currently causing problems, because it’s hard to leave town and escape your problems when you’re coming home to people who are contributing to your hot, choking anger. I know it isn’t their fault, and I’m certainly old enough to accept that my parents are human, and flawed, and I’m better equipped to forgive them than my roommates, but that doesn’t make it easy.

If the world really does end I’ll really regret acting like such a pill, but I’m having a difficult time being pleasant right now. I want to get into the Christmas spirit, but it’s hard. It’s rainy, and chilly, and I’m out of my routine and out of sorts.

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