I had an ugly conversation with my roommate today, and to cool off afterwards I went for a walk. It’s a chilly foggy day in Baltimore, perfect for walking, and I went to Wyman Park, because I associate it with rugby and I wanted to go somewhere that gives me good feelings. I walked on the trail for a bit, but then went down to the creek because I wanted to throw some rocks. There was a narrow bank, and I walked along it, and picked my way along the water, stepping on stones, feeling bitter and misused. Things are not happy at home, and I can’t do anything about it, which is hard to accept. The bank ended pretty abruptly, but there weren’t any stepping stones to cross the creek and continue on the far side, so instead I climbed up a fallen tree in the hopes of finding another way across. It didn’t work- instead of finding a way across the creek I just got myself stuck up a tree, not unlike a cat. It was a slippery rotten tree, and while getting up was relatively easy getting down proved more challenging. On one side I had the creek, which was not an appealing option, and on the other I had a bunch of rotten branches and a wet, sloping hillside. I wasn’t very high up, only about six or so feet, but I didn’t see an obvious way down since the ground was uncertain on both sides.
On the plus side, it was very pretty, and while I was trapped I didn’t feel angry anymore. I thought about just spending the rest of the day there, but it was wet, and you can’t spend all your time trapped in a tree- eventually you have to face the world, so I clambered down, and managed to only get a little wet and dirty. Once I came down I felt angry again, even after I wandered around Hamden for a couple of hours, but it’s just part of life now. I’m stuck, and I’m angry, and there really isn’t anything I can do about it (and yes, I know I could choose to not be angry, but you know what? No I can’t. This is the kind of anger that is entirely out of control. It’s anger that has a life of its own, and drags me down, and sits on my shoulder, whispering terrible things. I’m helpless against this anger). It was nice walking around though. That part was ok.