Sitting in the library today (for a change of scenery) I noticed a handsome lad. He was engrossed in his book, and so I got to sneak several long looks at him, and I thought he had a very nice face (he looked a little like Motel from Fiddler on the Roof).

While I thought he was cute though, I also realized that he didn’t look like he would fit with me. I think of myself as a very normal-looking person (it has nothing to do with prettiness, I just mean I don’t have a striking or distinct look. I’m 5’4″, brown hair, medium build- I blend into a crowd), but it’s hard for me to spot people who would look right with me. They can’t be too tall, since that makes holding hands look weird, like I’m their kid, and I don’t look like the kind of girl I see with really jock-y guys, or hipsters, or very polished-looking, put together guys like my friends Alex and Marlon (Marlon is an actual grown-up person, but Alex was just a grad student before becoming a nursing student, although I guess I know grad students who wear cufflinks on a regular basis, so maybe it’s a Thing). I think I’d like someone who dresses like my friend Sam (casual, kind of outdoors-y), but I don’t dress like his ex-girlfriend or most of his female friends (they always look ready to go hiking, or rock climbing or something), so I’m not sure if that would fit either. My friends all look really right with their boyfriends and husbands, but I don’t think I’ve ever looked like I belonged with anyone I’ve dated. I know looks don’t matter, and sometimes you get a surprise and someone you never would have expected turns out to be a perfect match, but I don’t know how people find each other in those cases. My sister has a big rant about how you sometimes need to judge people based on their appearances because the way people present themselves tells the world a lot about them and can help you figure out if they’re someone you’d want to date, and while it isn’t something I’d tell children, I think it’s kind of true for adults.

More than finding someone who looks right though, I can’t seem to find anyone who is right in other, more important ways. Maybe it’s unrealistic, but I just want to find someone who likes contra dancing, and Carbon Leaf concerts, and dogs, and know about hiking and camping (I’d love a guy who is good with knots for instance). And is a rugby player. And plays a musical instrument. Is that asking too much? Maybe. It’s asking kind of a lot, but several of those things at least go together, and I kind of just described a guy I knew at Geneseo (drummer, has a big dog, rugby player, maybe camps? He once invited me back to his apartment to “play in his tent” but he didn’t have a real tent set up (I honestly thought he might, which speaks to how trusting/naive I am), which was disappointing), but he’s married now and wasn’t interested in dating me then anyway. So even when someone makes a lot of sense on paper they aren’t necessarily a good match in real life (now that I’m thinking about it, I know several guys who would fit my criteria who I 100% do not want to date, and the feeling is entirely mutual).

One of my friends Judy told me the other evening that she never really dated in high school, or college, or in her twenties or thirties, but now she’s married to someone great and they compliment each other perfectly and are really happy. Things work out- I say it all the time, and it’s almost always true, but it’s hard to not feel a little lonely sometimes.


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