More than an inadequate brain

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I’m beat. School is grinding me down, I’m always at least a little tired, and usually verging on exhausted. I keep agreeing to things I don’t really want to do (I’m spending all of Saturday in a study group. 10:00-6:00. And in order to get anything done during that time I need to spend tomorrow night outlining and studying, and listening to online class lectures. I have to study in preparation for studying. And then I’m doing another study group on Sunday. This is my life), and I haven’t been contra dancing in two weeks because I’m always tired and the idea of going out the night before my 5:00 am wake-up call is too depressing. I’m not unhappy, which I think is important to point out, because while I’m very, very tired, I’m also proud of myself for sticking with this (tuition is already paid, but this program takes a lot of emotional commitment), and I love my friends, even when they’re pressuring me to agree to spending my entire weekend inside with our noses in books. I love nursing. That doesn’t change the fact that I want to run away from home sometimes.

I haven’t been working out really, and it finally caught up with me tonight. I was supposed to go to an event with a friend, but getting dressed was miserable because I didn’t like the way I looked in anything. Scrubs are pretty forgiving, but this was a real-person event, and I wanted to look nice, but that just wasn’t happening. I tried on and took off a million combinations before settling on a blah outfit that wasn’t particularly flattering, but was acceptable because it covered me up and didn’t make me feel self-conscious. I really meant to go to the event, but while I was waiting for the bus I thought about all my homework and studying, and how much I wanted to go to the gym tonight. When the first two buses come by were full I took it as a sign, and sent my friend a very apologetic text explaining that while I would have liked to go (I didn’t lie– I would’ve liked to see her, and it sounded like an interesting event, but sometimes you just have to say no), I just couldn’t. Instead I went back home, changed into my workout clothes, and ran to the gym. It was cold and dark, but it felt incredible. The gym is about one (uphill) mile away, and when I got there I did another two and a half miles before my knee objected (it’s gotten used to my life of sloth). Three and a half miles isn’t very much, but it’s better than nothing, and it cheered me up to the point where I was happy to come home and work on a paper. I feel more balanced having run a bit- I feel more like a person and less like a greasy nursing school robot (I also had a lovely post-run shower, and actually shaved my legs. Running, leg-shaving, these things make me feel better about life, and I need to do them more often. I also need to suck it up and go to contra dancing next week. It’s not like I’m going to bed early on Wednesdays anyway). I’m glad I signed up for the gym- it’s getting dark so early these days that it’s easy to not work out, but I pay the price in my depressed mood and body dissatisfaction. Running on a treadmill isn’t so bad anyway- it’s great for sprints.

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