Sometimes

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My friends Emily and Scott always make me wish I had someone in my life. They have such a nice relationship that it gives me hope, and makes me want to be open to letting people in. I ran into them on my way home from the market this morning, and then on the bus to school I listened to an episode of This American Life that was about being alone, so the theme of the morning was Caroline Wants a Boyfriend (applications are now being accepted). Is it bad that I mostly want someone to be my built-in adventure companion? There are lots of concerts coming up that I’d love to see, but they’re far away, and these kinds of adventures are better with a buddy (even more so if the buddy has a car). I would love to have someone to share stuff with (I keep thinking that the next person I date has to come to shows with me- it’s a non-negotiable point. I want to start thinking long-term, and I won’t marry someone who doesn’t go to concerts and who isn’t willing to see Carbon Leaf as often as possible), and I was wondering the other day if my partnered classmates study more than I do because they have someone in their homes who shames them into it-it’s very easy for me to shut my bedroom door to “work”, and then plank around half the day.

On a similar note of Feelings I Don’t Want, looking at my Facebook timeline revealed my wall from 2008-2009 is entirely posts from a former friend, then enemy, now nothing, and this makes me sad. I haven’t had a ton of meaningful romantic relationships, so losing this particular friend was the most painful break-up I’ve ever had, an even now, years later, I still feel bad about it sometimes, and I kind of miss her. Of course I only remember the good times, and it’s not like she was writing “die jerk” on my wall, so her old posts don’t really give a complete picture of our (messed up, mutually abusive) relationship, but while severing that tie was the right thing to do, we did have good times. There were lots of cuddles, and heart-to-hearts, and watching Scrubs and eating muddy buddies, and I’m glad that’s the stuff I remember now, even if it does make me a little blue.

I had hoped to do some cooking today, but I still have lots of Everything Stew to get through, so I held off. Instead, I’ve been enjoying microwave mug cookies, which are much tastier than they look.

They’re supposed to be chocolate chip, but since I don’t have any chocolate chips I’ve done without, and I think adding anything else would be gilding the lily at this point. I wish I could say they’re healthy, but even using a chia egg instead of a chicken one can’t undo the fact that each cookie contains two tablespoons of sugar and one of butter. The chia seeds are a nice touch though, and give a pleasant bit of crunch. What they lack in nutrients however, they make up for in satisfaction, and there’s a lot to be said for near-instant gratification in the form of warm cookies.

It is a beautiful fall night, and I wish I lived in Northampton, or Geneseo, and not Baltimore, because I would love to go strolling. I discovered the Johns Hopkins Rugby House a few weeks ago, and while I don’t want to go visit, I do want to find out when and where they play so I can watch a game.

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