I’m not worried


Someday when I have a good job as a midwife I’ll look back on the days when I used to live off of loans and sigh a big sigh of relief that they are over. Right now though, I’m in the thick of it, and it’s kind of terrible. I’ve been having lots of stupid worries that aren’t at all fun, and it’s gotten to the point where I’m looking forward to paying these loans back because I’m so over my total lack of income that I would rather spend my hard-earned money than live off of theoretical money that I didn’t have to work for. I know it isn’t that simple, but it seems to me that if you need more money in the real world you work more hours and get paid more. That isn’t the case with loans, and so I have to manage as best as I can, which is usually fine, but lately has been tricky.

When I feel poor I try to remember that there are lots of people who are way worse off than me, and I should be grateful for the chance to run myself into debt getting a kickass education at the best nursing school in the country. I’m lucky, and I’m grateful, but at the low point of my financial fretting I actually worried about how I was going to buy groceries, and so I came home and baked. It doesn’t make a ton of sense, but I decided that if I could give food away I would feel better, and it worked. I had a couple of zucchinis sitting my my fridge, and turning one into zucchini bread that I then brought into my clinical made me feel less broke. If I have enough to share I know I can’t be that bad off. Realistically, I know I have enough food to be fine, even if I can’t buy all the nice things that I like. I have tons of rice, and quinoa, and lentils, and kale only costs $1- I’m fine. Contra dancing is even free for students this month, so I can still dance and have fun. Everything has a way of working out, and I know my troubles are barely even blips.

Speaking of dancing, I went last night and had a mostly lovely time. A couple of songs in I started feeling very tired, but I was having a such fun I didn’t give it much thought. I go regularly enough now that people know me, and will throw in extra twirls and fancy steps, and last night when I was dancing with one of my favorite partners he was spinning me all over the place when I began to feel awful. I can’t take the extreme eye contact that hardcore contra dancers like, so I tend towards dizziness under normal circumstances (if you keep eye contact you don’t get dizzy, but it makes me feel very shy, and I like to imagine not staring people down makes me look demure, which I like, and rarely experience in my day-to-day life. It isn’t a good quality in a nurse, since I have to bathe people, so I take it where I can get it), but this was new. I honestly thought I might faint, and while I’ve always kind of wanted to be the kind of girl who faints (just like I want to be demure. I basically want to be Melanie Hamilton, minus the support of lynch mobs), this was not fun or romantic as much as it was sweaty and embarrassing. It took me an hour of dancing to realize the source of my problem- I had given blood on my lunch break (instead of you know, eating lunch), and then I had skipped dinner to dance in a hot room and not drink water. It was a miracle I didn’t pass out. I grabbed a glass of juice during the snack break, and then beat a hasty retreat home, just in time, since I barely made it up the stairs to my room when I got there. I had a large glass of water before bed, but I really should have known better. It took me ages to even fill the bag when I was donating, so I should have taken it easy anyway (the ten minute alarm went off! That never happens to me!), but I can’t resist a free dance. Waking up at 5:20 was kind of terrible, but I survived, and maybe even learned a lesson. I still can’t get anyone to come dance with me, even though it’s free, but I suspect it’s more a matter of my friends not wanting to go out the night before clinicals, and not something that’s wrong with me. Or maybe I stink, I don’t know.


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