Missing

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I got halfway down the block on my way to contra dancing tonight before I realized that I didn’t feel at all like dancing and came home. Part of me thinks I should have tried to go, and forced myself out of my head, but I’ve tried dancing when I’m sad and it isn’t fun for anyone, so I get a pass on this week. It might have helped me feel better- a couple of times today when I got caught up in things I found myself having fun and not thinking about Lancaster, but then it hits me again and suddenly I’m crying on the bus or in patho lecture (although having my instructor ask in class if anyone has a cat, on today of all days, was just cruel). I figured out yesterday that eating ice cream for dinner doesn’t help, but does give me a stomachache,  so I should probably, you know…not eat ice cream for dinner, but I did again today anyway. I’ve also eaten an entire jar of pickles in the past 24 hours, some of the only vegetables I’ve consumed, but pickles, unlike ice cream, never make me feel sick, so I’m not worrying myself about it. My friend Judy told me she’s done the grief-fueled pickle binge too, so maybe it’s a thing. Maybe it’s replacing electrolytes we lose crying or something.

I registered for Fall Semester today. I didn’t get the one class I really really wanted (it might be for the best though. I’ve spent an awful lot of time thinking about eating disorders, and working on an ED floor might be too much for me. They’re dark and scary disorders, and my interest makes me feel guilty), which was a huge drag, but I think it’ll be a good semester anyway. I’m going to be on an HIV/AIDS floor for the first half, and then working on some mystery psych ward for the second half (the website is vague). I also worked on my ethics board poster, but I think it needs some polishing since “vote for me because I want this position” lacks flair. I do want the position though.

My classmate came to school utterly wiped out this morning because she and her boyfriend adopted a dog yesterday. She claims it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, but I don’t fully believe her, since it was so very poorly thought out, and they’re bringing him back because he isn’t a good fit for a couple with a tiny apartment who are never home. On one level it really bothered me that they could be so casual about adopting and then returning a pet, but I know taking him back is the responsible thing for them to do, and I recognize that my emotions surrounding animals are a little extreme at the moment. Part of me wants to run to the nearest shelter and adopt a kitten right now, or better yet, get a dog, but I know I can’t give into that urge.

Every time I turn on my phone I see a picture of Lancaster. I’m really conflicted on the issue- should I take it down? It feels a little morbid, not to me, but like an outsider might see it that way. I hate the idea of changing it, but I seriously feel sad every time I see it. All of her pictures look so solid, and real, it’s impossible to totally accept that I won’t see her again. I keep thinking of things as though they weren’t final, as if I could go back to a few weekends ago and go to Buffalo and see her a last time. “If I had gone then”, I think to myself, in a butterfly-flapping-its-wings way, “would she still be gone now?”. It would have cost hundreds of dollars to fly, but I never looked up bus or train fares, and I keep thinking that it’s something that if I can figure out I can fix. It doesn’t make any sense, but I can’t shake the feeling that this has all been a mistake, or worse, a terrible unfunny joke. It doesn’t make sense that I should miss her so much more now than I did when she was far away from me in Buffalo instead of far away and gone, but I really really do.

Sign offs went well today. I mixed insulin, and injected pretend morphine into a model bottom, and poured malox into a cup (yes, that was part of my test. pouring out a measure of liquid. I also tapped pills out of a bottle!), and gave a model vagina a straight catheter. I was less nervous today than I’ve been for other sign-offs, and it was almost a non-event, but now I’m one final closer to the end of the semester. My hard tests are all next week, so I need to regain my ability to study, but I’m having a hard time concentrating.

I wish I had someone here. My friends have been lovely, truly, but I’m more ok during the day, and I need someone at night when I’m extra glum and inclined to plank around OkCupid talking to people I have no interest in meeting in real life. It’s times like these that make getting a puppy seem sane, if these online people are my only other option.

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