My first test didn’t go so well. I thought it did- I walked out of the testing room feeling pretty good about things, but I was apparently wrong, because while I passed…I was below the class average. By kind of a lot. I feel pretty rotten about it too, which is sort of unusual for me. Normally if I do poorly on a test I let it go with relative ease, but today I brooded. I don’t know if it makes it better or worse, but I didn’t know all the rules going in, and apparently at Hopkins when a question has multiple possible answers there can be two or three, but it’s never just one, and it’s never all of them. That cost me some points. I understand the material, so I’m learning, but something about this test just beat me, and it brought me down all day.
I really wanted this test to go well so I would feel more secure about belonging at Hopkins, but not doing well just means that I need to step it up and kick ass next time. I studied for that test, and I was prepared, but I’m about to turn it on so hard that by comparison it’ll look like I took the test while high. I have two tests next week, so there are plenty of opportunities to prove to myself that I belong here. It would be nice if that could be accomplished through a study montage, but because I don’t live in a movie I’m going to have to do it the old fashioned way. This does not bode well for my weekend, but it will be worth it if I get an A on my patho test.
After school it was beautiful out, so I went out for a drink with a couple of classmates. There were lots of attractive options, and I considered a variety of delicious-sounding mocktails (day drinking isn’t part of my New and Improved Study Plan), but I opted for a blondie sundae instead, because I’m actually a child. I felt a little silly sitting there with my ice cream while my classmates drank their beers, but it was just what I wanted.
I just got home from a run, and I think I’ve let my test angst run its course. It’s ok to feel a little blue about not meeting my expectations, but now it’s time to buck up and get back to the grindstone.