Today felt absolutely terrible, but when I tried to explain to my dad why I wanted to lay down on the floor and die he didn’t get it, which made me rethink how awful it really was. True, I forgot my sneakers and bus pass, so gym plans went out the window, and Marquette hasn’t received any of the forms that I’m not in charge of sending (transcripts and recommendations), but everyone says they’re in the mail, so maybe they are. And Hopkins said they’d consider my new scores when I retake the GRE, so that’s actually good news, in what was supposed to be my no-good, very bad day. Ok, I had to carry two heavy bags in the rain, and then wait for the bus, but that’s nothing. It isn’t even bumps and bruises. Granted, I’m only rethinking my day now, after I’ve put chocolate (I have a lab final tomorrow, so I made myself a delicious before-dinner snack of Study GORP (almonds, raisins, and chocolate chips, heavy on the chocolate, light on the nuts)) and wine on top of my problems. Am I self-medicating? A little, but it won’t kill me in moderation. I can be a bit of a stress eater, but I only had a handful of chocolate chips, if that, so it’s more about food choices than quantities, and I’ve had lots of nice veggies today too. What I really wanted, was a Finals Cigarette. I (somewhat grudgingly) decided that I respect my body too much to smoke, but I typically allow myself one cigarette during finals. It’s just twice a year, and it makes such a difference to my mindset that I could justify it to myself. Now that I’m out of the dorms though, I don’t have anyone who will give me a single cigarette, and I don’t want to buy a whole pack. So instead I opted for chocolate and wine, with pretty much the same result.
I’m nervous about my final, but it covers a lot of things that I’m pretty familiar with. One of my takeaways from my Smith education was a strong background in female anatomy and hormones (from classes! get your mind out of the gutter!), and so it’s incredibly reassuring to just know that material, and not have to worry about cramming in that portion of the class. I’ve been doing lots of flashcards, and I’m feeling pretty solid, but I’m a nervous test-taker, and my test tomorrow is a big opportunity (it can’t hurt my grade, but if I do well it’ll make a big difference), so I want to do my very best.
I was so upset and frazzled today, it felt like I was having an hours-long anxiety attack, but now I feel incredibly peaceful. Nothing’s changed, and I’m still worried, but I’m also accepting. One way or another something will happen in the next few months, and I’ll roll with it. I don’t have a long-term plan B, midwifery is it, but that just means that I’ll have to find a way. I have a direction. Once, when I was in Utah, some of my coworkers and I were trying to get to our new work site using a GPS, and it gave us the shortest route, as the crow flies. We had to bushwhack through all kinds of brush, and actually wound up literally climbing down a cliff face, but we got there, and I’ll get where I need to go too.
So here’s my Music Monday tune for this week. It’s sort of my Gap Year theme song, and while that may sound depressing, it isn’t supposed to. It reminds me of my crew mantra: “to compare is to despair”, it doesn’t matter what other people are doing this year, I’m where I’m supposed to be, and if it isn’t glamorous, it’s laying the groundwork for a better future.