Breaking Dawn

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Ok, I admit it, I like Twilight. Except I don’t mind admitting it, even though I know it’s bad. You know what I also like? Little Debbie brownies. The key is knowing that they’re terrible, and not shaping your world around guilty pleasures. That said, Breaking Dawn was pretty terrible. I’ve wanted to go since it came out, and the day after it premiered I read multiple reviews, and Googled the wedding dress, but I held off until now to see it. There was a Women’s Social Group MeetUp to go see it, and while my mom had offered to go with me I knew she doesn’t really like the series, so it seemed like a perfect solution. We were supposed to meet at the theater at 6:30 for a 7:00 show, but when I got there slightly before 6:30 the ticket guy told me there was no 7:00 show, and so I figured I was just late, and got a ticket for 6:30. The MeetUp people weren’t there though, so I found a seat and watched it by myself. I haven’t been to many movies by myself, but this seemed like a good one for it- there was a teenage boy sitting behind me who was also by himself, which I thought was pretty cute, and I figured if he could do it I could too. I thought about sitting next to him, and sharing the Tupperware of pomegranate arils I had snuck in, but that seemed weird, so I didn’t. Twilight is basically porn anyway, and you don’t typically engage with strangers when you go to see a porno in the theater (I imagine…).

The actual movie was terrible. Just terrible. I fully enjoyed it, particularly the wedding (I’m not ready to get married/not dating anyone, but man have weddings been on my mind lately), and Taylor Lautner’s terrific…acting (I just looked it up, and he was born in 1992. He’s only a year older than my baby sister, and that makes me a big ol’ perv. Sigh). It was also sort of nice to walk out of a Twilight movie not thinking “I wish I was skinny like Kristin Stewart”, because they did a great job of making her look skeletal and yucky. I don’t want any of that nonsense- I’ll take my sexy, curvy, not-dying-of-vampire-baby-itis over that any day, thanks. I also really noticed how little Edward and Bella do together (they play chess, and swim, but 99% of their time together is spend staring at each other. Boringly), which really makes me wonder about people who wish they could have a relationship like that. What else? The wolves were silly. I like the wolves, and I’m firmly Team Jacob, but the telepathic wolves were hard to understand, and just goofy. The imprinting was GROSS. I don’t care that he was thinking about how hot she’ll be when she grows up, it’s creepy.  And the weird CGI baby was just…ridiculous. There are plenty of real babies who are just achingly cute, but they opted to go with fake and off-putting looking. Remember the dancing baby meme? It was that level of animated baby quality. Bella’s vampirization process was kind of cool, but then her chest sort of inflated into vampire boobs, and that killed the mood with hilarity. It really was not a good movie. I actually had an ice cream headache when I walked out of the theater, because my body cannot comfortably handle that much junk in a sitting, but I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it. I had a lot of fun. It held my attention, and I could have probably sat through another 45 minutes of it without needing to take a break. My dad asked me how I could watch it without being offended, and while I (hypocritically) would never let my kids read it, I don’t actually mind it. It’s appalling (the post-deflowering bruises are really hard to defend), but I think it’s possible to be a feminist and like Twilight, just like it’s possible to be a feminist and like being dominated, or get breast implants. It’s dangerous if you just swallow it, but I’m an adult, and I can see a dreadful movie that’s full of bad values and just enjoy it for the chest-waxed werewolves and fancy wedding decor.

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