Awkward Subject

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I went to the GYN today, which is always kind of traumatizing. My doctor actually delivered my little sister, and she’s always seemed to take the attitude that since she brought one of us into the world she should be allowed to take one of us out if we sass her. She’s this tiny old lady, but she’s really mean considering it’s her job to work with women who are in a really vulnerable position (naked), and I’ve always been kind of afraid to stand up to her. My friend posted a description of going to see her doctor though, and she made it sound so great that I decided to advocate for myself this appointment. I had a whole speech prepared, but she was really nice to me today. It wasn’t the appointment of my dreams, but it wasn’t terrible, and I wasn’t made to feel uncomfortable or ashamed. I think it’s really important that women have positive interactions with their doctors, especially as a future midwife. It doesn’t have to be an awful experience- I want to help women love their bodies, and appreciate how amazing they are, and feel comfortable expressing any concerns they may have.

I’ve been thinking about my recent romantic experiences a lot lately. I need to stop looking back and look forward, (or you know, I could be present what’s happening now for a refreshing change of pace, but that doesn’t seem realistic). I called my friend last night, just to chat, because we’re sort of pals now I guess, and he told me about his various new love interests. It’s kind of weird, since not too long ago we were attempting a future together, but it didn’t bother me really. I’m mostly just glad to still be friends. I’ve been really lucky to have some incredibly cool people in my life, and I think it would be wasteful not to learn from my experiences with them. Somewhere down the line I started dating nice people who I want to keep in my life, even after the kissing part is over, and I’m really glad, because never wanting to see someone again after the fireworks burn out gets old, and suggests poor decision making. So I’ve decided that it’s ok when I move on, and when they move on, because just because something doesn’t last forever doesn’t mean it was a waste of time. So I’m feeling grateful. And eventually I’ll meet someone and the kissing part won’t end, and that’ll be awesome, and I’ll know that they’re the one for me because I’ll have tried on all the other cool, but not-quite-perfect-fit people who came before. And I’ll know how to be good to them, which has been a bit of a problem in the past. This is mostly me trying to convince myself not to be a dog in the manger, but I think I’ve made lots of nice personal growth in the recent past, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself for being human. Feeling a little sense of loss just means I had good taste, and it won’t kill me.

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